Review of “Grape Vine Restaurant” by Markus Reviewmaker on QuestAdvisor (a wooden post board in the middle of the town square, where the townspeople would place information and events)

Rating: 0/5 ★

Review:

I had plenty of friends try to recommend this place to me over the past few months. “Go to Grape Vine,” they said. “And when you do, you have to try their Starfall Stew!”

Well, people of all species, I did just that. And wouldn’t you know, it was one of, if not the worst, experiences of my reviewing tenure. Needless to say, I won’t be going back, but let me take some time to lay the scene out for you:

I had to travel all the way to Gaia Forest to reach the restaurant, which was an inconvenience of itself, as I was all the way in the kingdom of Deloor. Not by the fault of the restaurant owners, of course, but it was a great precursor to my mood.

Then, when I get there, they tell me I have to make a reservation. A reservation! After discussing the fact that I am Markus Reviewmaker, renowned for my stature in the restaurant review scene, I was upgraded to the restaurant owner, who begrudgingly allowed me a seat in their restaurant. My review was already going to be missing a star for this unprofessionalism.

Then, a waitress came out to take my order. In classic druid fashion, she was barely clothed, which ruined my immersion in the experience of the adventure. I requested a pint of beer and their Starfall Stew. The beer was alright, but nothing compared to the mountain beer crafted by the dwarves in Mount Empathy. Those really make you feel.

After a tantalizing half an hour wait, my dish was finally brought out to me: the famed Starfall Stew. It looked delightful. The steam emanating from it was enough to add back that missing star.

And then I took a spoonful. I have never spit something out so fast in my life. Ten seconds later, I was throwing up into one of their potted plants and had to wash down the putrid flavor with another pint of beer. This was quite literally the worst experience I had ever had.

As a slap to the face, the owner refused to refund me for my order. I’m almost concerned they tried to poison me. I’ve never met a group of druids more hostile toward me in my entire life.

(A response to this review was posted directly under it on QuestAdvisor.)

Markus,

Not a single one of these complaints is genuine or in good spirit. To mock the traditional druid clothing, to compare our beer to the golden standard, and to spit in the face of reservations, the lifeblood of many restaurants, is a despicable practice as a reviewer.

As for your review of our Starfall Stew, you explicitly requested we give you the druid version as opposed to the human version, which is more suited to your tastebuds. The druid version has a different blend of vegetables and spices that gives it a unique flavor only we can taste, and the human version is better suited for a human palette. But, since you insisted on the druid version, saying we were “hiding the best menu options behind the oppression of humans,” we conceded and gave you it. We absolved ourselves of all blame when you threatened to cause a scene over stew.

We hope this gives a more nuanced view of this review for those that are keen to common sense.

- Owner, Grape Vine Restaurant